Harry Potter and Monty Python
by occaecation
Summary: This fanfic is basically the Monty Python and the Holy Grail script modified to fit Harry Potter. These are only a few scenes from Monty Python. Really short chapters so enjoy!
1. Disclaimer

Ok people the following chapters are just some of the authors' favorite scenes from the movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail they have been modified in ways to fit Harry Potter as well so I hope you enjoy.

We do not own any recognizable characters as well as the script from Monty Python and the Holy Grail


	2. Swallows and Coconuts

**Swallows and Coconuts**

**Draco:**

Who goes there?   
**Harry:**

It is I, Harry, son of James Potter, from the Castle of Hogwarts. The Boy that wouldn't die, defeater of Voldemort, Sovereign of all England!

**Draco:**

Pull the other one!

**Harry:**

I am, and this is my trusty servant Ron. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of wizards who will join me in my court at Hogwarts. I must speak with your lord and master.

**Draco:**

What? Ridden on a horse?  
**Harry:**

Yes!

**Draco:**

You're using coconuts

**Harry:**

what?

**Draco:**

you've got two empty coconuts and you're bangin 'em together

**Harry:**

So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through...  
**Draco:**

Where'd you get the coconuts?  
**Harry:**

We found them.

**Draco:**

Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!

**Harry:**

What do you mean?

**Draco:**

Well, this is a temperate zone  
**Harry:**

The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?  
**Draco:**

Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?  
**Harry:**

Not at all. They could be carried

**Draco:**

What? A swallow carrying a coconut?  
**Harry:**

It could grip it by the husk!  
**Draco:**

It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.  
**Harry:**

Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Harry from the Court of Hogwarts is here?

**Draco:**

Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?  
**Harry:**

Please!  
**Draco:**

Am I right?

**Harry:**

I'm not interested!

**Blaise:**

It could be carried by an African swallow!  
**Draco:**

Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.

**Blaise:**

Oh, yeah, I agree with that.

**Harry:**

Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Hogwarts!

**Draco:**

But then of course a-- African swallows are non-migratory

**Blaise:**

Oh, yeah.

**Draco:**

So, they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway.

clop clop clop

**Draco: **

Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?

**Blaise: **

No, they'd have to have it on a line.

**Draco:**

Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!

**Draco:**

What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?

**Blaise: **

Well, why not?


	3. Bring Out Your Dead

**Bring Out Your Dead**

**Filch:**

Bring out your dead!

clang

Bring out your dead!

clang

Bring out your dead!

clang

Bring out your dead!

clang

Bring out your dead!

cough cough...

clang

...cough cough

Bring out your dead!

clang

Bring out your dead!

clang

Bring out your dead! Sickle

clang

Bring out your dead!

clang

Bring out your dead!

clang

Bring out...

Peeves Beating Mrs. Norris rewr!

...your dead!

rewr!

clang

Bring out your dead!

**Vernon Dursley:**

Here's one.

**Filch:**

Sickle

**Harry Potter:**

I'm not dead!

**Filch:**

What?

**Vernon Dursley:**

Nothing. Here's your Sickle.

**Harry Potter:**

I'm not dead!

**Filch:**

'Ere. He says he's not dead!

**Vernon Dursley:**

Yes, he is.

**Harry Potter:**

I'm not!

**Filch:**

He isn't?

**Vernon Dursley:**

Well, he will be soon. He's very ill.

**Harry Potter:**

I'm getting better!

**Vernon:**

No, you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment.

**Filch:**

Oh, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.

**Harry Potter:**

I don't want to go on the cart!

**Vernon Dursley:**

Oh, don't be such a baby.

**Filch:**

I can't take him.

**Harry Potter:**

I feel fine!

**Vernon Dursley:**

Well, do us a favor.

**Filch:**

I can't.

**Vernon Dursley:**

Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.

**Filch:**

No, I've got to go to the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.

**Vernon Dursley:**

Well, when's your next round?

**Filch:**

Thursday.

**Harry Potter:**

I think I'll go for a walk.

**Vernon Dursley:**

You're not fooling anyone, you know. Look. Isn't there something you can do?

**Harry Potter:** singing

I feel happy. I feel happy.

whop

**Vernon Dursley:**

Ah, thanks very much.

**Filch:**

Not at all. See you on Thursday.

**Vernon Dursley:**

Right. All right.

howl

clop clop clop

Who's that, then?

**Filch:**

I dunno. Must be a king.

**Vernon Dursley:**

Why?

**Filch:**

He hasn't got shit all over him.


	4. Burn the Deatheater

**Burn the Deatheater**

**Order Members:** chanting

Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.

bonk

Pie Iesu domine,...

bonk

...dona eis requiem.

bonk

Pie Iesu domine,...

bonk

...dona eis requiem.

**CROWD:**

A Deatheater! A Deatheater!

bonk

A Deatheater! A Deatheater!

**Order Members:** chanting

Pie Iesu domine...

**CROWD:**

A Deatheater ! A Deatheater ! A Deatheater ! A Deatheater ! We've found a Deatheater ! A Deatheater ! A Deatheater ! A Deatheater ! A Deatheater ! We've got a Deatheater ! A Deatheater ! A Deatheater ! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! We've found a Deatheater ! We've found a Deatheater ! A Deatheater ! A Deatheater ! A Deatheater !

**George Weasley:**

We have found a Deatheater . May we burn her?

**CROWD:**

Burn her! Burn! Burn her! Burn her!

**Albus Dumbledore:**

How do you know she is a Deatheater ?

**George Weasley:**

She looks like one.

**CROWD:**

Right! Yeah! Yeah!

**Albus Dumbledore:**

Bring her forward.

**Dolores Umbridge:**

I'm not a Deatheater . I'm not a Deatheater .

**Albus Dumbledore:**

Uh, but you are dressed as one.

**Dolores Umbridge:**

They dressed me up like this.

**CROWD:**

Augh, we didn't! We didn't...

**Dolores Umbridge:**

And this isn't my nose. It's a false one.

**Albus Dumbledore:**

Well?

**Fred Weasley:**

Well, we did do the nose.

**Albus Dumbledore:**

The nose?

**Fred Weasley:**

And the hat, but she is a Deatheater !

**George Weasley:**

Yeah!

**CROWD:**

We burn her! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!

**Albus Dumbledore:**

Did you dress her up like this?

**Fred Weasley:**

No!

**George and Lee:**

No. No.

**George Weasley:**

No.

**Fred Weasley:**

No.

**George and Lee:**

No.

**Fred Weasley:**

Yes.

**George Weasley:**

Yes.

**Fred Weasley:**

Yes. Yeah, a bit.

**Lee Jordan:**

A bit.

**Fred and George:**

A bit.

**Lee Jordan:**

A bit.

**Fred Weasley:**

She has got a wart.

**RANDOM:**

cough

**Albus Dumbledore:**

What makes you think she is a Deatheater ?

**Lee Jordan:**

Well, she turned me into a newt.

**Albus Dumbledore:**

A newt?

**Lee Jordan:**

I got better.

**George Weasley:**

Burn her anyway!

**Fred Weasley:**

Burn!

**CROWD:**

Burn her! Burn! Burn her!...

**Albus Dumbledore:**

Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a Deatheater .

**Fred Weasley:**

Are there?

**George Weasley:**

Ah?

**Fred Weasley:**

What are they?

**CROWD:**

Tell us! Tell us!...

**Albus Dumbledore:**

Tell me. What do you do with Deatheaters ?

**George Weasley:**

Burn!

**Fred Weasley:**

Burn!

**CROWD:**

Burn! Burn them up! Burn!...

**Albus Dumbledore:**

And what do you burn apart from Deatheaters ?

**Fred Weasley:**

More Deatheaters !

**Lee Jordan:**

Shh!

**George Weasley:**

Wood!

**Albus Dumbledore:**

So, why do Deatheaters burn?

pause

**Lee Jordan:**

B--... 'cause they're made of... wood?

**Albus Dumbledore:**

Good! Heh heh.

**CROWD:**

Oh, yeah. Oh.

**Albus Dumbledore:**

So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?

**Fred Weasley:**

Build a bridge out of her.

**Albus Dumbledore:**

Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?

**Fred Weasley:**

Oh, yeah.

**RANDOM:**

Oh, yeah. True. Uhh...

**Albus Dumbledore:**

Does wood sink in water?

**Fred Weasley:**

No. No.

**George Weasley:**

No, it floats! It floats!

**Fred Weasley:**

Throw her into the pond!

**CROWD:**

The pond! Throw her into the pond!

**Albus Dumbledore:**

What also floats in water?

**Fred Weasley:**

Bread!

**George Weasley:**

Apples!

**Lee Jordan:**

Uh, very small rocks!

**Fred Weasley:**

Cider!

**George Weasley:**

Uh, gra-- gravy!

**Fred Weasley:**

Cherries!

**George Weasley:**

Mud!

**Lee Jordan:**

Uh, churches! Churches!

**George Weasley:**

Lead! Lead!

**Harry Potter:**

A duck!

**CROWD:**

Oooh.

**Albus Dumbledore:**

Exactly. So, logically...

**Fred Weasley:**

If... she... weighs... the same as a duck,... she's made of wood.

**Albus Dumbledore:**

And therefore?

**George Weasley:**

A Deatheater!

**Fred Weasley:**

A Deatheater !

**CROWD:**

A Deatheater ! A Deatheater !...

**Cedric Digory:**

Here is a duck. Use this duck.

quack quack quack

**Albus Dumbledore:**

Very good. We shall use my largest scales.

**CROWD:**

Ohh! Ohh! Burn the Deatheater ! Burn the Deatheater ! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Ahh! Ahh...

**Albus Dumbledore:**

Right. Remove the supports!

whop

clunk

creak

**CROWD:**

A Deatheater ! A Deatheater ! A Deatheater !

**Dolores Umbridge:**

It's a fair cop.

**Lee Jordan:**

Burn her!

**CROWD:**

Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn! Burn!...

**Albus Dumbledore:**

Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?

**Harry Potter:**

I am Harry, The Boy that Wouldn't die.

**Albus Dumbledore:**

My liege!

**Harry:**

Good Sir Wizard, will you come with me to Hogwarts and join us at the Octagonal Table?

**Albus Dumbledore:**

My liege! I would be honored.

**Harry:**

What is your name?

**Albus Dumbledore:**

'Dumbledore', my liege.

**Harry:**

Then I dub you 'Sir Dumbledore, Wizard of the Octagonal Table'


	5. The Castle Scene

**The Castle Scene**

**Lucius:**

One day, lad, all this will be yours!

**Draco: **

What, the curtains?

**Lucius: **

No. Not the curtains, lad. All that you can see stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad.

**Draco: **

But Mother--

**Lucius: **

Father, lad. Father.

**Draco:**

B-- b-- but Father, I don't want any of that.

**Lucius:**

Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So, I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp, but the fourth one... stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these islands.

**Draco:**

But I don't want any of that. I'd rather--

**Lucius:**

Rather what!

**Draco:**

I'd rather...

music

...just... sing!

**Lucius:**

Stop that! Stop that! You're not going into a song while I'm here. Now listen, lad. In twenty minutes, you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.

**Draco:**

B-- but I don't want land.

**Lucius:**

Listen, Alice,--

**Draco:**

Draco.

**Lucius:**

'Draco. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.

**Draco:**

But-- but I don't like her.

**Lucius:**

Don't like her! What's wrong with her! She's beautiful. She's rich. She's got huge... tracts o' land!

**Draco:**

I know, but I want the-- the girl that I marry to have...

music

...a certain,... special... something!

**Lucius:**

Cut that out! Cut that out! Look, you're marrying Princess Pansy, so you'd better get used to the idea!

smack

Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.

**Rodolphus:**

Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.

**Rabastan:**

Hic!

**Lucius:**

No, no. Until I come and get him.

**Rodolphus:**

Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.

**Lucius:**

No, no. No. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.

**Rodolphus:**

And you'll come and get him.

**Rabastan:**

Hic!

**Lucius:**

Right.

**Rodolphus:**

We don't need to do anything apart from just stop him entering the room.

**Lucius:**

No, no. Leaving the room.

**Rodolphus:**

Leaving the room. Yes.

sniff

**Lucius:**

All right?

**Rodolphus:**

Right.

**Rabastan:**

Hic!

**Lucius:**

Right.

**Rodolphus:**

Oh, if-- if-- if, uhh-- if-- if-- w-- ehh-- i-- if-- if we--

**Lucius:**

Yes? What is it?

**Rodolphus:**

Oh, i-- if-- i-- oh--

**Lucius:**

Look, it's quite simple.

**Rodolphus:**

Uh...

**Lucius:**

You just stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right?

**Rabastan:**

Hic!

**Lucius:**

Right.

**Rodolphus:**

Oh, I remember. Uhh, can he leave the room with us?

**Lucius:**

N-- no, no. No. You just keep him in here and make sure he--

**Rodolphus:**

Oh, yes. We'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave and we were with him--

**Lucius:**

No, no, no, no. Just keep him in here--

**Rodolphus:**

Until you or anyone else--

**Lucius:**

No, not anyone else. Just me.

**Rodolphus:**

Just you.

**Rabastan:**

Hic!

**Lucius:**

Get back.

**Rodolphus:**

Get back.

**Lucius:**

All right?

**Rodolphus:**

Right. We'll stay here until you get back.

**Rabastan:**

Hic!

**Lucius:**

And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.

**Rodolphus:**

What?

**Lucius:**

Make sure 'e doesn't leave.

**Rodolphus:**

The Prince?

**Lucius:**

Yes. Make sure 'e doesn't leave.

**Rodolphus:**

Oh, yes, of course.

**Rabastan:**

Hic!

**Rodolphus:**

Ah. I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.

**Lucius:**

Is that clear?

**Rabastan:**

Hic!

**Rodolphus:**

Oh, quite clear. No problems.

starts to leave only to be followed by guards

**Lucius:**

Right. Where are you going?

**Rodolphus:**

We're coming with you.

**Lucius:**

No, no. I want you to stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave.

**Rodolphus:**

Oh, I see. Right.

**Draco:**

But Father!

**Lucius:**

Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on!

music

And no singing!

**Rabastan:**

Hic!

**Lucius:**

Oh, go and get a glass of water.


	6. The Deatheaters Who Say Ni!

**The Death Eaters Who say 'Ni!'**

**Voldemort:**

Ni!

**Deatheaters:**

Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!

**Harry Potter:**

Who are you?

**Voldemort:**

We are the Deatheaters Who Say... 'Ni'!

**Peter Pettigrew:**

Ni!

**Harry Potter:**

No! Not the Wizards Who Say 'Ni'!

**Voldemort:**

The same!

**Albus Dumbledore:**

Who are they?

**Voldemort:**

We are the keepers of the sacred words: 'Ni', 'Peng', and 'Neee-wom'!

**Peter Pettigrew:**

Neee-wom!

**Harry Potter:**

Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.

**Voldemort:**

The Deatheaters Who Say 'Ni' demand a sacrifice.

**Harry Potter:**

Deatheaters of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.

**Voldemort:**

Ni!

**Deatheaters:**

Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!...

**Harry Potter:**

Ow! Ow! Ow! Agh!

**Voldemort:**

We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us.

**Harry Potter:**

Well, what is it you want?

**Voldemort:**

We want... a shrubbery!

dramatic chord

**Harry Potter:**

A what?

**Deatheaters:**

Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!

**Harry and Party:**

Ow! Oh!

**Harry Potter:**

Please! Please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery.

**Voldemort:**

You must return here with a shrubbery, or else, you will never pass through this wood... alive.

**Harry Potter:**

O Deatheaters of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.

**Voldemort:**

One that looks nice.

**Harry Potter:**

Of course.

**Voldemort:**

And not too expensive.

**Harry Potter:**

Yes.

**Voldemort:**

Now... go!


	7. Evil Puffiskin

**The Evil Puffiskin **

**Neville Longbottom:**

They're nervous, sire.

**Harry Potter:**

Then we'd best leave them here and carry on foot. Dis-mount!

**Seamus Finnigan:**

Behold the cave of Caerbannog!

**Harry Potter:**

Right! Keep me covered.

**Neville Longbottom:**

What with?

**Harry Potter:**

W-- just keep me covered.

**Seamus Finnigan:**

Too late!

dramatic chord

**Harry Potter:**

What?

**Seamus Finnigan:**

There he is!

**Harry Potter:**

Where?

**Seamus Finnigan:**

There!

**Harry Potter:**

What, behind the puffiskin?

**Seamus Finnigan:**

It is the puffiskin.

**Harry Potter:**

You silly sod!

**Seamus Finnigan:**

What?

**Harry Potter:**

You got us all worked up!

**Seamus Finnigan:**

Well, that's no ordinary puffiskin!

**Harry Potter:**

Ohh.

**Seamus Finnigan:**

That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered animal you ever set eyes on!

**Ron Weasley:**

You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!

**Seamus Finnigan:**

Look, that puffiskin's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!

**Neville Longbottom:**

Get stuffed!

**Seamus Finnigan:**

He'll do you up a treat, mate.

**Neville Longbottom:**

Oh, yeah?

**Ron Weasley:**

You mangy Irish git!

**Seamus Finnigan:**

I'm warning you!

**Ron Weasley:**

What's he do, nibble your bum?

**Seamus Finnigan:**

He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!

**Harry Potter**

Go on, Dean. Chop his head off!

**Dean Thomas:**

Right! Silly little bleeder. One puffiskin stew comin' right up!

**Seamus Finnigan:**

Look!

squeak

**Dean Thomas:**

Aaaugh!

dramatic chord

clunk

**Harry Potter:**

Merlin!

**Seamus Finnigan:**

I warned you!

**Ron Weasley:**

I done it again!

**Seamus Finnigan:**

I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little puffiskin, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them--

**Harry Potter:**

Oh, shut up!

**Seamus Finnigan:**

Do they listen to me?

**Harry Potter:**

Right!

**Seamus Finnigan:**

Oh, no...

**Dumbledore's Army:**

Charge!

squeak squeak squeak

**Dumbledore's Army:**

Aaaaugh, Aaaugh, etc.

**Harry Potter:**

Run away! Run away!

**Dumbledore's Army:**

Run away! Run away!...

**Seamus Finnigan:**

Ha ha ha ha! Ha haw haw! Ha! Ha ha!

**Harry Potter:**

Right. How many did we lose?

**Colin Creevey:**

Boot

**Neville Longbottom:**

Smith.

**Harry Potter:**

And Macmillan. That's five.

**Neville Longbottom:**

Three, sir.

**Harry Potter:**

Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault. That puffiskin's dynamite.

**Ron Weasley:**

Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?

**Harry Potter:**

Oh, shut up and go and change your amour.

**Neville Longbottom:**

Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake.

**Harry Potter:**

Like what?

**Neville Longbottom:**

Well... ooh.

**Colin Creevey:**

Have we got bows?

**Harry Potter:**

No.

**Colin Creevey:**

We have the Holy Dungbomb.

**Harry Potter:**

Yes, of course! The Holy Dungbomb of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Sirius carries with him. Brother Moody! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!

**Order Members:** chanting

Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.

Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.

**Harry Potter:**

How does it, um-- how does it work?

**Colin Creevey:**

I know not, my liege.

**Harry Potter:**

Consult the Book of Magical Weapons and How to Use Them!

**Sirius Black:**

Magical Weapons and How to Use Them, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one.

**Alastor Moody:**

And Godric Gryffindor raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Merlin, charm this Thy dungbomb that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.'

And the Merlin did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu--

**Sirius Black:**

Skip a bit, Brother.

**Alastor Moody:**

And Merlin spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Dungbomb of Weasley Wizard Wheezes towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'

**Sirius Black:**

Amen.

**Dumbledore's Army:**

Amen.

**Harry Potter:**

Right!

One!... Two!... Five!

**Neville Longbottom:**

Three, sir!

**Harry Potter:**

Three!

angels sing

boom


	8. Bridge Of Doom

**The Bridge of Death**

**Neville Longbottom:**

There it is!

**Harry:**

The Bridge of Death!

**Ron Weasley:**

Oh, great.

**Harry:**

Look! There's the old man from scene twenty-four!

**Albus Dumbledore:**

What is he doing here?

**Harry:**

He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveler five questions--

**Neville Longbottom:**

Three questions.

**Harry:**

Three questions. He who answers the five questions--

**Neville Longbottom:**

Three questions.

**Harry:**

Three questions may cross in safety.

**Ron Weasley:**

What if you get a question wrong?

**Harry:**

Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.

**Ron Weasley:**

Oh, I won't go.

**Neville Longbottom:**

Who's going to answer the questions?

**Harry:**

Ron!

**Ron Weasley:**

Yes?

**Harry:**

Brave Sir Ron, you go.

**Ron Weasley:**

Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Colin go?

**Colin Creevey:**

Yes. Let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east that s--

**Harry:**

No, no. No. Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! Just answer the five questions--

**Neville Longbottom:**

Three questions.

**Harry:**

Three questions as best you can, and we shall watch... and pray.

**Colin Creevey:**

I understand, my liege.

**Harry:**

Good luck, brave Sir Colin. God be with you.

**Filch:**

Stop!

Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.

**Colin Creevey:**

Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.

**Filch:**

What... is your name?

**Colin Creevey:**

My name is 'Sir Colin of Camera'.

**Filch:**

What... is your quest?

**Colin Creevey:**

To seek the Holy Snitch.

**Filch:**

What... is your favorite color?

**Colin Creevey:**

Blue.

**Filch:**

Right. Off you go.

**Colin Creevey:**

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

**Ron Weasley:**

That's easy!

**Filch:**

Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.

**Ron Weasley:**

Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.

**Filch:**

What... is your name?

**Ron Weasley:**

'Sir Ron of The Burrow'.

**Filch:**

What... is your quest?

**Ron Weasley:**

To seek the Holy Snitch.

**Filch:**

What... is the capital of Assyria?

pause

**Ron Weasley:**

I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!

**Filch:**

Stop! What... is your name?

**Neville Longbottom:**

'Sir Neville of My Grandmother's House'.

**Filch:**

What... is your quest?

**Neville Longbottom:**

I seek the Snitch.

**Filch:**

What... is your favorite color?

**Neville Longbottom:**

Blue. No, yel-- auuuuuuuugh!

**Filch:**

Hee hee heh. Stop! What... is your name?

**Harry:**

It is 'Harry', The Boy that wouldn't Die.

**Filch:**

What... is your quest?

**Harry:**

To seek the Holy Snitch.

**Filch:**

What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

**Harry:**

What do you mean? An African or European swallow?

**Filch:**

Huh? I-- I don't know that. Auuuuuuuugh!

**Albus Dumbledore:**

How do know so much about swallows?

**Harry:**

Well, you have to know these things when you battle dark lords, you know.

suspenseful music

music suddenly stops

suspenseful music resumes


	9. The Castle of Beauxbatons

**NARRATOR:**

The Tale of Sir Neville.

boom

wind

howl

howl

boom

angels singing

howl

boom

howl

boom

pound pound pound

**Neville Longbottom: **

Open the door! Open the door!

pound pound pound

In the name of King Harry, open the door!

creak

thump

creak

boom

**GIRLS:**

Hello!

**Fluer:**

Welcome, gentle Sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Beauxbatons.

**Neville Longbottom:**

The Castle Beauxbatons?

**Fluer:**

Yes. Oh, it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every need!

**Neville Longbottom:**

You are the keepers of the Holy Snitch?

**Fluer:**

The what?

**Neville Longbottom:**

The Snitch. It is here.

**Fluer:**

Oh, but you are tired and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crapper!

**MIDGET and CRAPPER:**

Yes, O Fluer?

**Fluer:**

Prepare a bed for our guest.

**MIDGET and CRAPPER:**

Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!...

**Fluer:**

Away! Away, varletesses. The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big.

**Neville Longbottom:**

Well, look, I-- I, uh--

**Fluer:**

What is your name, handsome wizard?

**Neville Longbottom:**

'Sir Neville... the Chaste'.

**Fluer:**

Mine is 'Fluer'. Just 'Fluer'. Oh, but come.

**Neville Longbottom:**

Look, please! In God's name, show me the Snitch!

**Fluer:**

Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious.

**Neville Longbottom:**

No, look. I have seen it! It is here in this--

**Fluer:**

Sir Neville! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.

**Neville Longbottom:**

Well, I-- I, uh--

**Fluer:**

Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen- and- a- half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life: bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome wizards. Nay. Nay. Come. Come. You may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!

**Neville Longbottom:**

No, no. It's-- it's nothing.

**Fluer:**

Oh, you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please! Lie down.

clap clap

**Hermione: **

Well, what seems to be the trouble?

**Neville Longbottom:**

They're doctors!

**Fluer:**

Uh, they... have a basic medical training, yes.

**Neville Longbottom:**

B-- but--

**Fluer:**

Oh, come. Come. You must try to rest. Doctor Piglet! Doctor Winston! Practice your art.

**Ginny:**

Try to relax.

**Neville Longbottom:**

Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?

**Hermione:**

We must examine you.

**Neville Longbottom:**

There's nothing wrong with _that_!

**Hermione:**

Please. We are doctors.

**Neville Longbottom:**

Look! This cannot be. I am sworn to chastity.

**Hermione:**

Back to your bed! At once!

**Neville Longbottom:**

Torment me no longer. I have seen the Snitch!

**Hermione:**

There's no snitch here.

**Neville Longbottom:**

I have seen it! I have seen it!

clank

I have seen--

**GIRLS:**

Hello.

**Neville Longbottom:**

Oh.

**GIRLS:**

Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.

**Neville Longbottom:**

Fluer!

**Gabrielle:**

No, I am Fluer's identical younger sister, Gabrielle.

**Neville Longbottom:**

Oh, well, excuse me, I--

**Gabrielle:**

Where are you going?

**Neville Longbottom:**

I seek the Snitch! I have seen it, here in this castle!

**Gabrielle:**

Oh, no. Oh, no! Bad, bad Fluer!

**Neville Longbottom:**

Well, what is it?

**Gabrielle:**

Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Fluer! She has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I have just remembered, is snitch-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.

**Neville Longbottom:**

It's not the real Snitch?

**Gabrielle:**

Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Fluer! She is a bad person and must pay the penalty! and she must pay the penalty, and here in Castle Beauxbatons, we have but one punishment for setting alight the snitch-shaped beacon: you must tie her down on a bed and spank her.

**GIRLS:**

A spanking! A spanking!

**Gabrielle:**

You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like, and then, spank me.

**Cho Chang:**

And spank me.

**Parvati Patil:**

And me.

**Lavender Brown:**

And me.

**Gabrielle:**

Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!

**GIRLS:**

A spanking! A spanking! There is going to be a spanking tonight!

**Gabrielle:**

And after the spanking, the oral sex.

**GIRLS:**

The oral sex! The oral sex!

**Neville Longbottom:**

Well, I could stay a bit longer.

**Colin Creevey:**

Sir Neville!

**Neville Longbottom:**

Oh, hello.

**Colin Creevey:**

Quick!

**Neville Longbottom:**

What?

**Colin Creevey:**

Quick!

**Neville Longbottom:**

Why?

**Colin Creevey:**

You are in great peril!

**Gabrielle:**

No, he isn't.

**Colin Creevey:**

Silence, foul temptress!

**Neville Longbottom:**

You know, she's got a point.

**Colin Creevey:**

Come on! We will cover your escape!

**Neville Longbottom:**

Look, I'm fine!

**Colin Creevey:**

Come on!

**GIRLS:**

Sir Neville!

**Neville Longbottom:**

No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!

**Gabrielle:**

Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!

**GIRLS:**

Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!

**Colin Creevey:**

No, Sir Neville. Come on!

**Neville Longbottom:**

No! Really! Honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily.

**Gabrielle:**

Oh, yes. Let him handle us easily.

**GIRLS:**

Yes. Let him handle us easily.

**Colin Creevey:**

No. Quick! Quick!

**Neville Longbottom:**

Please! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred-and-fifty of them!

**Gabrielle:**

Yes! Yes, he will beat us easily! We haven't a chance.

**GIRLS:**

We haven't a chance. He will beat us easily...

boom

**Gabrielle:**

Oh, shit.

**Colin Creevey:**

We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.

**Neville Longbottom:**

I don't think I was.

**Colin Creevey:**

Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.

**Neville Longbottom:**

Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.

**Colin Creevey:**

No, it's too perilous.

**Neville Longbottom:**

Look, it's my duty as a wizard to sample as much peril as I can.

**Colin Creevey:**

No, we've got to find the Holy Snitch. Come on!

**Neville Longbottom:**

Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?

**Colin Creevey:**

No. It's unhealthy.

**Neville Longbottom:**

I bet you're gay.

**Colin Creevey:**

No, I'm not.


End file.
